No, your best years aren’t behind you. Focus!
Twenty-nine… It’s not that frightening if you live as long as I have. But it’s the last one before thirty, and they’re coming at a breakneck pace.
To be honest, I’ve had my fair share of victories in life. If I say otherwise, I’ll be wrong, but now isn’t the day for that. Today focuses on sharing one of my fears online and how it makes me feel.
I’m scared to death to write this. Is it appropriate for me to display this side of myself? Does this imply that anyone can see who the true person beneath the mask is? I’m terrible at expressing myself to just about anyone. It takes a lot out of me, and I’ve noticed that a lot of people (read: the majority of them) only want to add your narrative to their gist collections.
Not because they care enough; they do care, but hear me out. Everyone has got things they are dealing with.
Some just consider it one of those nice gestures to offer or because it is an expectation that comes with the word “friendship”. And for some, they will have the gist to tell their other friends.
The last year of my twenties and imposter syndrome is a battle I hope to win someday.
Imposter syndrome is defined by a persistent sense of doubting one’s abilities, setting unreasonable goals for oneself, and feeling like a complete fraud. You feel as though you don’t belong where you are and that you merely ended up there through dumb luck.
Apparently, it can affect anyone, no matter their work background, skill level, or degree of expertise. The more you achieve, the more you begin to feel like a phony. It’s almost as if you can’t seem to embody your achievements.
This feeling creeps up, and I find myself holding back on talking about my talents (that is if I even admit to having one), or talking about myself just because I am my biggest critic.
A perfectionist suffering from shame issues — this makes me feel sick to my stomach sometimes. There are days I make mistakes and I find it hard to forgive myself, thereby getting stuck and lacking motivation for a while.
People compliment me or my work, and all I am thinking at the time is, “Really?” Are you impressed by this? I feel like I can do better, or I could have done better.
Or maybe some days you imagine yourself excelling in a particular field and somehow just drift through all the things that could go wrong and anticipate the pain you’ll feel or the disappointment that comes with it, and you come up with a convincing excuse as to why you are not fit for it.
The picture gets clearer by the day. Apparently, all I was doing was shrinking myself, being a coward, or hoping my close circle (top humans, I must say) recognized my hesitation and encouraged me to put myself out there with their amazing comments (they troll me a lot, but still amazing).
So, I received that jolt of wakefulness. It could have happened sooner, but I am sure my brain has an explanation.
I’m going to start forcing myself to do all the things I’ve been afraid to do, all the things I think I can’t do, and accept failure as a part of the process.
What is the worst that can happen? I suck at it and try again, or I move on to something else without beating myself up.
I have made it a conscious effort not to just say it but to practice what I am preaching to myself (this is going to be a tough one, but I promise to fight it). I have decided to force myself to do everything that makes me uncomfortable.
My previous boss was never fazed by anything. Perhaps it was a façade, perhaps it was genuine, but that human-provided me with a new perspective on this thing called life. You’re probably wondering how I’m going to shift my entire life trajectory without sounding like one of those aspire to maguire — (motivational speakers) clichés, right?
It’s going to be a slow hustle. Being 1% better each day. When I first saw this phrase in — Atomic Habits by James Clear, it hit me like a ton of bricks. It’s something I wish I’d shown my brain a year ago.
Now I have chosen to focus on daily consistency instead of brooding over how I am not doing anything tangible that will lead to big things just immediately, comparing myself to this person or that person, especially when they share their wins. Sometimes I wonder, “What am I doing wrong? Does this person have two heads? I at some point wished I could achieve what they have been able to do for themselves. The thoughts go on and on…
I am learning to pace myself, to show up every day, and strive to be 1% better each time. Appreciate the process till you achieve triumph. Accept life in all of its stages as it unfolds, embrace wherever you are, and change it if you don’t like it. Simply show up for yourself every day and reap the benefits of that 1% progress per day.
I know a lot of things will suck on this journey called life. Heck, there are a couple of things that suck right now. Sometimes life will throw you off balance, and other times it will throw you onto a new path.
There is pain on this earth. Even if you don’t find her, she will find you, but guess what? She is just interested in seeing you improve.
So it is okay to not be okay. It is okay to disappear for some time to focus on yourself and return more energetic. Take advantage of your current situation. Stop chasing rainbows hoping to find greener grass where it doesn’t exist. And also, always remember, everyone is dealing with something. We just have to love them for who they are and hope they love us too.
Oh, and you probably assume I just miraculously grew out of this stage and began giving motivational speeches, LOL.
I have been leaning on the big guy up there. Recognize the importance of God in your life. Not for what he does for you or what you expect him to do for you because that would make him nothing more than a superstition. When you’re exhausted, know that he’s present, he’s aware, you can lean on him because he’s like a chair you rest in or rely on.
I turn 29 today, clueless about what is ahead of me, leaving what is behind, stepping out of my comfort zone regardless of how I feel about the outcome, and resolving to try again another day. I need to see how good it can get, and that’s all that matters.
Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I hope you remember to go easy on yourself every day.
Happy Birthday, Mo.
